My friend Annslee recently said that on a scale of overly organized to extremely laid back, I was solidly on the organized side of the spectrum. She was quick to assure me this wasn’t a bad thing, thanks Annslee. As someone who takes pride in their ability to plan, manage, and prepare, I have to agree.
When it comes to hosting, though, I think those of us on the organized side of life are onto something. Whether you’ve been aware of it or not, every time you’ve gathered a group of people, there were rules baked in. What time to arrive, what to wear, where guests should sit, whether shoes are on or off. I would argue that more often than not, your guests valued having these rules in place. It’s comforting to be able to rely on structure when entering a new space or gathering with a new group. It’s also unifying. When you know everyone attending will be following the same rules, there’s a built-in camaraderie. If everyone takes their shoes off at the door, you already have one thing in common.
Several years ago I founded Holdette, a support network for recent grad women. We host monthly gatherings for ladies looking to build new friendships after leaving college. When building the structure for Holdette gatherings, I was intentional about setting clear rules for group members to follow. I wanted a member to be able to attend a gathering in Boston or Seattle or Miami and have exactly the same experience at each one. But I also wanted to ease the mental load on members joining for the first time. It can be scary to show up at a stranger's house, but having communicated the rules for the gatherings at our orientation, each member knew what to expect.
Holdette Williamsburg at my apartment!
Each Holdette gathering begins with the host reading our community values (read: rules). They are:
Vulnerability is expected, trust is earned
Show up authentically and be willing to share honestly with the group. In exchange, fellow members commit to showing up, supporting you, and earning your trust by sharing their own experiences.
Be present
Put your phone on Do Not Disturb during a gathering. Trust is built when everyone is fully present.
Confidentiality
While we ask you to keep stories shared within the group, we invite you to follow up and engage members after the group about things they shared if you have helpful guidance or have experienced something similar yourself.
Step in, Step out
Be conscious about how much you are sharing and speak up if you’ve been taking a back seat.
It’s a couch, not a panel
While your host is here to share question prompts, the goal is to hold space for conversation, not systematically have folks weigh in.
Each of these ground rules provides boundaries for the discussion. Members know to be vulnerable, to let others speak, and to not share things outside the group. And while it may seem like having such explicit rules limits the conversation, the opposite proves true. When members know that what they share won’t be talked about outside the group, they are more apt to share more deeply, even relating a story they haven’t shared with anyone before. When they know they are free to take the discussion where they like, they are more likely to jump in when they are otherwise more likely to hold back. When they know no one else is going to be checking their phone, they are more likely not to check theirs either. Rules create freedom, safety, and belonging.
So how can you introduce guiding principles to your next gathering? Start by establishing why you’re bringing people together and what intentions you can create to bring that purpose to life. At Holdette, our goal is to help recent grad women make new friends. If they were on their phones and felt beholden to the host to guide the discussion, they wouldn’t make new connections.
Ask yourself:
Why am I gathering?
What can I do to help attendees lean into the purpose of this event?
If you’re gathering friends for dinner on a Friday night and the goal is to unwind from the week, maybe the rule is that you can’t talk about work. If you’re bringing together colleagues for a brainstorming session, maybe the rule is whenever someone throws out an idea, at least one person must follow up by saying “that’s a great idea”.
I loved this Instagram post (via this Twitter thread) about creative ideas for parties. Each one is in itself a suggestion of how to incorporate rules into a party. Use this as inspiration and the next time you are hosting, ask yourself, how can I amplify the purpose of this gathering by imposing some structure on it?